Live it or loath it

 

When I travel alone I want to be alone. I am not a kind of person who glues easily with the surrounding people. I don’t even want to hear them saying. My earphones and novel are my tools to indicate that I m least interested in their talks. I was traveling to my home almost after 3 months and I was excited. I stepped off the train on the Kanpur junction to have something to drink and when I came back to the seat I found a teen aged girl sitting on the seat next. The girl must be in 10^th standard I thought but her sparkling eyes, round face, frameless glasses were giving her a look of bright young girl. I finished my drink and begin watching the scenes passing by the window of my seat. The window pane was looking like a tv screen. You can’t feel it but you can watch it.

“IIT kanpur” was the word said in a feminine voice which caught my attention and I realized that the girl sitting beside me said it with a smile broader than her natural smile. The middle aged man on my front seat asked has asked her about her school and the girl has replied it with IIT Kanpur.

OK, I thought, these bloody proud IITians. They think they own the whole bloody world.

“What is your favorite subject?”, asked the man at my front seat. He was a middle aged man with signs of baldness on his head, sullen face with contrasting bright eyes. I was thinking what the profession of that man could be.

“The girl replied, chemistry”.

H₂O came to my mind. This is what chemistry means to me now days.

“Chemistry, an interesting subject indeed”, said the man with a fake chuckle over his face.

“Ok, can you tell me what the relationship between melting point and atomic radius is?” asked the man in interrogating voice and it was written on his face that it was not the genuine question, he just wanted to check the knowledge of the girl.

“As you go down a column in the periodic table, the atomic radius increases and melting point also increases.” The girl replied without taking anytime more than required to utter the statement.

“No”, the man replied.

My eyebrows raised, I never saw an IITian beaten on technical grounds.

“Iodine, I₂, with a large radius, is solid at room temperature. It hasn't hit its melting point yet. Bromine, Br₂, with a smaller radius, is a liquid at room temperature. If its melting point was lower than I₂; it has already melted.” Then man replied in single breath.

The girl shuddered and she straightened her back and said, “yes that true”. She moved her sight in the whole compartment inquiring who was listening to the conversation.

I begin reading my novel thinking that it has been already too embarrassing for her.

“Actually the random London dispersion forces come into act when we are comparing the elements of similar nonpolar molecules.” The man replied in a tone too sooth.

“Oh yes, those London forces, I read a little about them”, she replied in a remorseful voice.

“Are you a chemistry professor or something”, the girl asked.

“No.”, he replied.

“then?”, she asked with curiosity.

“I am a auto rickshaw driver, I pick and drop children from school.  I have learned all this while talking to them only. All of them are used to talk to me and they are normally used to teach me what they learn in school”

“And while talking to them from years I have learned a lot and also I developed an interest in physics and chemistry”, he continued.

The girl was looking at him with an open mouth. Screaming within her mind “No, hell. You are joking”

The man was smiling, half pain, and half pity.

“But pity over what?” I thought.

He continued “I studied in a school till senior secondary. I passed it just to get the marksheet so that I can get a job. At that time no subject or anything made me interested. I was used to roam and have giggles with my village friends hoping that on the completion of my schooling I would get a job to lead the rest of my life happily”

“But everything in our life does not go as we plan it. I came to the city and had a very bad time there. No one was willing to give me a decent job. Better than the starving I decided to drive rickshaw. Nothing has really changed during all those years. First there was only me who cursed that lack of money and comfort, now my two kids and wife bark along me”

I wasn’t able to see into the eyes of that man. I saw the real pain, I was learning what is known as regret, I was learning what a life those people live.

“The possibilities of growth are negligible for a person like me. You must have seen many people in your life, check the locality where u live. You must have noticed that the man from whom you purchased toffees in the childhood are still selling the same kind of toffees. The color of their hair has changed but the size of their shop is still the same. What do you think, don’t they want to progress. Indeed they want. But with the given unlimited responsibilities and limited resources all of them die in dark. They have keep doing the same thing from generations. Same routine, same people, same life, each day, every day”, the man was looking outside the window. It seemed as if he was able to visualize all that he is saying. I also started looking in the same direction hoping to understand and feel the same pain. But it was useless. I never can. The one who has gone through such tortures can only understand what those things mean. As a charted accountant I can never understand what he really means to say.

“I am sorry I am not used to tell all this to anyone. But you know what; I have something to say that will make your dropping head upright”, the man said looking at both of us.

A cheer came to the girl’s face but I was still calculating what that man said. May be my processing speed is much slow or may be I started doing many more calculations.

He continued, “I am coming from a private university of lucknow and I was there to fill up the form of Bachelor of Science. It was very hard for me because it’s been over 15 years I completed my 12^th standard. They putted me through a test and the physics and the chemistry professors took a personal interview over my repeated plea and finally they recommended me to the principal of the collage and today I have registered myself as a student there. I will pursue a private study over the subjects and will try to do my best in the part time.”

“What are you planning to do?”, those were my first words in last 1 hour of journey. I didn’t ask it consciously, the situation made me ask it and at that time getting the answer seemed most important to me.

“I have quit planning a long ago. I just do what I want to do. I wanted to study, so I filled up the forms on the first opportunity. But I will hope for the best, the best I can do is to set myself as an example for my own children, every other thing will be a plus”, he said.

The train slowed down its pace as it was approaching the Etawah junction. The man stood upright with a smiling face of a hero and bent down to pull his bag out.

“Are you departing?” the girl asked.

“yes, dear but it was nice to have a conversation with you. I just wanted to tell it to someone, not like an epic or any heroic story, I just wanted to tell you all this so that you can realize the value of time. You have got a seat in an IIT, please be fruitful for the technology. Give back what you have learned. You read not to earn money, you read it to take those studies to the next level. Contribute to the literature as it has given you a lot. Contribute to the mankind, every study you conduct must be helpful in the better living of the  creatures of god. I will remember your face for the rest of my life”, he said it while queuing himself into the queue of departing people.

His last line was tuning with my thoughts.

It always lies within you

At a fine evening, city clock was reading 5:45 PM. Sitting on the bench of a park, having a cigarette between his fingers he didn’t know if he was anti-meditating or what but he had millions of thought in his mind that time. It was a neem tree under which the stone bench was fixed. The bench read like a grave stone “shri Ram Narayan 1912-1980”. Roshan began to think the purpose of such bench advertising something. “Whom should I thank for bench, Late Shri Ram Narayan that he died in time and his family fixed a bench here in the park for me or to his family who are announcing his demise”, Roshan thought. Such thoughts came to the mind when you are so thoughtless that you start counting every breath you take. But for Roshan it works differently. Such thought comes to his mind when his mind is full of the most sublime riddles.
Suddenly something dropped on his head.
“Shit, how can these birds do this so freely and anywhere?”
Scared, he moved a finger in his hair. “Gosh, it’s a neemboli. Yellow, pulpy neemboli.”
“We don’t find apple trees in our parks in this part of India, otherwise it was a chance of discovering something,” he chuckled.
Wondering with his thoughts suddenly an exhausted old man in his sixties stopped in front of Roshan’s bench. He wasn’t too fast on his feet but it took few seconds to him to slow down and stop. He sat at one corner of the bench while Roshan sitting at the center.
Sitting beside Roshan the old man inhaled and exhaled deeply several times.
Gosh, I was here for peace and these old parasites can be found at every part of the world. Actually Roshan always hated the way old men preach.
“They can preach on almost everything, even on girls or on sex or on para-diving”, Roshan thought.
Irritated with his deep breaths finally Roshan said, “Uncle at this hour, it’s carbon di oxide you are deeply inhaling”
“Yeah, I know, and I also know that it’s purely oxygen that you are getting from this cigarette.”, he said in a careless tone.
“Gosh, I opened a window for him, now he will bore me to death”, Roshan thought.
“By the way, can I have one?”, old man asked roshan.
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I need to forget my girl friend”, Old man chuckled.
Smiling over the old man’s humor, Roshan said “Ok, but I guess it’s injurious for your health”, and he offered cigarette with light.
Old man lighted up the cigarette and took a puff and said, “Yeah I know, my lungs are not made of steel like yours”, smoke was still coming out of his mouth while he completed his sentence.
Roshan laughed.
“I like sarcasm”, Roshon said as if he was announcing it.
“Don’t be that sarcastic to yourself”, the old man said carelessly with a smile on his face.
Roshan begin laughing like a goose. “You are unbelievable”.
“Stop. Where have I heard it before.”, “where I heard it? , where I heard it ?”, Yeah, “I heard it from my girl friend”.
“Are you serious?”, Roshan asked in an astonishing tone.
“Yeah my wife was used to say this when she was my girl friend”
“ohhh, and now?”
“Now she believes me”, the old man said with a hint of laugh.
“great … ”, roshan laughed.
“So, what do you do young man?”, old man asked.
“I am pursuing my M.B.B.S, final year”
“ohhh .. that’s why you don’t care about smoking”, old man murmured sarcastically
“may be … ” , roshan replied with a smile
“What do you do?”
“I am done doing, I mean I m retired and I was used to be an engineer, a mechanical engineer”
There was a long pause as both of them were thinking about the other’s profession.
“you know what’s the difference between an engineer and a doctor?”, the old man asked.
“what’s similar, I mean both of them are very different jobs” , Roshan replied.
“No, we engineers mend what we have created and you mend what god has created”
“yeahh .. right, I have never thought like that before.”, Roshan was surprised.
“God created man or man created god? What say?”, the old man asked Roshan.
“Hey let’s not mess up with god u know. He has taught me many things”, Roshan said.
“Where does he run his coaching classes, are people of my age admissible?”, old man said plainly.
Next few moments passed in silence. Their cigarettes have been extinguished.
“God teaches us many things, it’s up to us if we understand it or not”, Roshan said looking at the bright yellow sky.
“Yeah surely, it’s always up to your learning and reading capabilities. By the way what you have learned in your short span of time. And ya, I am impressed to know that you believe in god as this generation of young man follow atheism like a vogue”
Roshan was gathering his thoughts. It took few moments before he speak “God has taught me the lesson of patience”, he finally uttered.
“Congratulations, you have learned it. My son, it take lives to learn that lesson of patience and I am happy for you. Can you explain me how god taught you this thing?”
“I always had many questions about everything. About human, about life, love, emotions, day, night, success, debacle, luck and many other intangible things. I asked most of them to internet and got satisfactory answers from many philosophers too. But during that span of time I was so irritated to get the reply that I abused and blamed god plethora of times. On every bad thing happened to me I abused and blamed god for it. I blamed my luck, I blamed it on every possible invisible thing.”
Rohsan continued “but after seeing a lot in my life while keeping mum god taught me patience. He doesn’t look in any haste to meet me. I am still alive. He is not impatient to answer my every abuse. He is not impatient to teach me a lesson. He is quite. He is calm. He has left me alone and he wants me to continue my abuses. You know what, I am really graced that my god is so patient. He has won my heart by not reacting. He has won my heart by not hitting me back.”
It was almost dark by now. None of them could clearly see the face of the other. Roshan could only see the shining white hair of the old man. He wasn’t looking at him. Old man turned his face to roshan, and in the most polite and calm words he said, “Isn’t this the first time you are thinking like this.”
“Yes”, roshan replied, “But how do you know that?”, roshan asked, His eyes widened.
“I come over here every day. I have seen you many times smoking over here. You are used to sit on the same bench under the same tree but this was the first time you noticed the bench. You come here infrequently, but I have noticed you every time you come. I have seen you doing nothing but smoking and looking here and there. I was anxious to know what’s wrong with you. I quit smoking when I was 45, almost 20 years back. But for you I smoked again today. Don’t worry it won’t harm me. But I wanted to know what’s wrong with you.”
“you know what son, we lose most of the fights of our life just because of this impatience. I am telling you this by my personal experience and I am not only preaching this to you. Once I read few pages of You can win by Shiv Khera, and I liked one of his preaching. It said something like "Winners don’t have more strength or more power it’s just that they continue fighting for few more moments while others quit”. Promise me that you won’t ever appear here again with a cigarette in your hand.
Roshan was completely lost. He didn’t have anything but to say “yes I promise, SIR”.
“Ok son, you have made my evening today. I am going to write down this whole conversation in my diary today so that I can cherish this evening any time I wish. “
“It’s dark now and I have to purchase something to eat before I get into my home, otherwise I will have to sleep empty stomach with my pet. “, the old man said.
Wishing him good night, Roshan saw him walking briskly and soon the man disappeared in the dark.
“what did he said, sleep with my pet??? He mentioned his wife too?? ” Roshan also started to move towards his home, suddenly he realized that old man only mentioned his wife as a girl friend to know his reactions over it. He just wanted to know whether it’s a girl for which Roshan was worried about.
“He lives alone, all alone”, Roshan thought before he rang the door bell of his home.

Come on, let's dare to leave !!

Someone inside me is saying these things from a long ago.. How long can be conceived by the fact that he has said these words so many times that I can remember each of them...

He says...

I want to live.. I want to live to live the life, i want to live to admire that reason because of which I am in existence. I have a reason to live and the reason is very selfish. I just want to agree those people who say that the world is beautiful. I have experienced not the worst but its casual part being where you always have to have a reason to be happy. I want to live in a world where happiness is in abundance, so that to feel it you just have to open your arms not even wide. An intelligent person may argue and say "happiness is just a state of mind, if u r wise enough you can achieve it right now and if you aren't then what's the issue?". I am neither a sage nor a saint, or maybe i am not wise enough, does it mean i don't deserve happiness? What if i am so desperate; what if i am so restless; what if i am over ambitious or what the fuck if i have countless desires? Don't I have a way? No there is one indeed. At least i believe that. Maybe it won't lead to the absolute final destination but least i would be happy walking. My path is not a rose bed like others who claims that they have achieved it by a daily practice of sitting in a peaceful environment at the front of lighted candles and chanting "peace" "god" "peace" "happiness". On my chosen way there will be winds blowing on my face, always trying to push me back, there will be a fiery sun shining overhead leaving me in pain. The distance will be long and there will be no turning back. And why should I return, after all there is nothing which will need me when i will far away, and i am taking utmost care of it.

Now it was my turn, and i asked, what you will do if there is a storm during? He thought of the best way and answered "i will anchor myself and wait for the misery to come to an end".

The fruit you are looking for, will it be there...? He said, I don't know but it's surely not here.

Like what the fruit is supposed to taste? He answered; it is supposed to have a taste I never had.

I finally asked "When you are departing?"... He said not only me; both of us have started our journey since you are writing this.